Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Lost Focus, ten minutes of sun before class. Waiting outside, picking a spot to stand... here. you won't catch her eye, and you don't end up accidentally looking at her. Can exist for a minute without any pressure, yet the tension in my mind builds. Seek focus.

In class, catch a seat early, this spot comfortable from last time, because no-one knows you here. people change their minds because of your choice, though with relief I come to realize it's because more than two want to sit together. she's behind me. don't look. she'll beat you to a pulp. she probably could. Then the nice one sits next to me, how is that possible two lectures in a row? she's wearing the same jumper, it suits her. She asks me for a pen, I blush. I must be blushing, it feels like I'm melting. at least I have a pen. Just focus on the lecture. only it's a lecture I've heard twice already, in two other subjects.

Oh god, the pen's running out. bringing shame and dishonour to my noble name, this pen must be destroyed. I offer my own pen right out of my hand in sacrifice, telling her I've already heard this lecture twice. it's okay, she asks for a pen from the person next to her. maybe I did good, because she asks me if he's the lecturer for the two middle east subjects. perfect opening for a longer conversation, but I lack that function that early (midday) without alcohol.

Just reading over that, I've noticed wild swings in the use of grammar, which nevertheless seems to have purpose. I'm not sure I want to publish, admit to a little event in my life that had little consequence - for now - and it shows in the grammar. "you, me, I" show different self perspectives, like the Id, Super Id and Ego. maybe that's it. I could write it in my diary, but that'd be giving it more importance than it probably deserves.

Tomorrow is a day without Uni. We'll see how I go, if I actually use it for homework. posted by Keegan at 10:14 pm

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